Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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