i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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