Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
