i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
