How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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