Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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