dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
