I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My bed smells like the plague
soo... how was my night?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
