I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You ruined the universe
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
