best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
