remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
