just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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