A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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