No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
