I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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