maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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