Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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