I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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