Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
