What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
