the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
