If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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