Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
