Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize