nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
