The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My feet surprised me
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