i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
