there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
