Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
