if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize