Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
