good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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