thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
