you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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