3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i drank out of a bidet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
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