So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
