I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
