The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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