i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize