I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
