You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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