Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dicks are not precious.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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