if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
