We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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