i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
