My friends, they love my intelligence
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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