On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
