i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
