i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
