U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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