My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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