Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
