I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
