You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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