some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
