Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
