I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize