Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
