After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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