He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize