I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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