Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
